Hi, I'm Matthew. Are You Ready For Our Adventure?

I'm a year old man and I live in Salem Oregon. I'm at a point in my life where I need to make some changes. Can I turn my life around at my age or did I wait too long and if so, then please stop the world I want to get off now.

Do you remember the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? You're reading along and you come to a page that asks you a multiple choice question and depending on how you answer you're sent to a specific page to continue reading. That happens several times as you read and the choices you make on your journey through the book determines how the story ends. This site is going to be like those books and that's where you come in, I want your advice, your input, your opinions, and your support. Whether the outcome is life or death, we're going to take that journey together. Will your guidance and my choices lead to an improved quality of life with happiness and good health or... not?

To protect myself I have to tell you that parts of my website are fiction even though that's not true. To read the reason why I have to tell you that, click here.

I'm not an author and my spelling and grammar isn't the best, but I'm going to give you some history on my physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, social, and financial health. I'm going to talk about my goals, my achievements, and my failures. I'll be completely transparent and honest with you because that's the only way this will work. I'll provide unredacted documents like, medical records and lab results and I'll provide pdf's from banks and credit card companies showing my statements.

I'll answer any sincere questions and consider any advice or suggestions from anyone that is taking this as seriously as I am. There is a community section where we can talk, post pictures, there's even a section for recipes. I'm a diabetic and anything I can do to be healthier I'm willing to try. To get to the community section click the "Talk With Me" link at the top. The links up there are a great way to navigate my site and down at the bottom is the image gallery with lots of pictures and descriptions.


Goals For Me

What am I trying to achieve? I need to get into an assisted living environment. My health has declined so much over the past decade that I've been told many times that I'm not fit to live alone and care for myself properly, I sadly agree with them. I just want to be happy, healthy, and as independent as possible.

I'm setting my first goal, I want to be 30 pounds lighter and be able to get up when I fall. I want to be in an assisted living environment, such as EmpRes Healthcare Management, where I can get healthy diabetic meals, exercise, wound care, dementia care, medication management, neurological care, help with basic daily personal care, pain management, and I want to have access to counseling. I need this goal to be met by July 4th 2023. There are days remaining. If I achieve my goal I will set a new goal and reset the countdown.

But if I fail I'll end my life by stepping off the Union Street Railroad Bridge into the Willamette River below. I can't swim and I'm too overweight and weak to get to the surface, problems solved. I plan on notifying Jared Leisek and Doug Bishop at Adventures With Purpose right before I go in the water, AWP is in Bend Oregon, only 130 miles from Salem. They're a volunteer search and recovery dive team, they recover bodies from the water and they help bring closure to the families with missing loved ones. They operate strictly on donations from individuals, business sponsorships, along with ad monetization from YouTube and Facebook. I've watched all their videos and read a lot about the owner Jared Leisek, I like his principals on life and family and even though we won't meet in my lifetime I'd like to thank him and Doug Bishop for the part they unknowingly may end up playing in my adventure. The team recently acquired The AquaEye® which is an advanced handheld sonar device used to assist in finding missing persons in the water.


A Physical Me

When I link to a photo, a document, or even an offsite source of information the links will open in a new tab. I only link to reputable sites that I trust and that are top rated in their field, such as:

Below I'll list out my medical issues and I'll show pictures and documents when I can. If, on our adventure, I can check one of the items off the list I will and from time to time I may need to add a new item.

The links below will take you to a specific section on the page, you don't need to navigate the site with those links if you don't want to, you can scroll down the page and read as you go if you choose.

Type 2 Diabetes Morbid Obesity Cubital Tunnel Syndrome

Failing Eye Sight Sleep Apnea Hidradenitis Suppurativa

Traumatic Leg Injury Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD)

Dementia Or Alzheimer's Disease Poor Medication Management

I suffer from uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, I test my blood twice a day by poking my fingers and rarely is the reading under 350 and it's been so high that the meter just says "HI" because the reading was off the chart and it couldn't display a number that high. Recently I bought some dentures, check them out here, they don't fit my mouth very well, but without them I can only eat food that doesn't require chewing. I try to eat right, but I have no way to heat food and my refrigerator is very small, only about 18 inches by 18 inches by 18 inches, Look at it here. Storing fresh vegetables and healthy food is impossible and I normally eat foods like beans out of the can or ramen soup, that I keep in the closet on a shelf, like this I made out of a cardboard box - that's ingenuity, but it's all high in sugar, salt, and carbs. I don't have a way to heat canned food, but I do have a kettle to make hot water for the ramen. Please don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everything I have, some people aren't as blessed as me.

Back in the 90's I was a long-haul trucker, I drove coast to coast delivering goods for people around the US, it was a lot of fun, but in 1999 I was careless and fell off a dock and broke my right leg really bad. It was never the same after that, I had a lot of nerve damage and it never healed correctly, the skin in the area of the break turned a dark reddish bronze (called a venous leg ulcer), it's caused by the trauma to the veins around the injury site where my skin is not getting enough nutrients or oxygen from my blood and the spots where the staples were never healed quite right, it's kind of gross but if you want to see it click here. It's not too swollen in that picture, it gets so swollen that my ankles disappear, I'm told its mainly from eating salt but I also have really bad edema and that's where my leg feels like it's full of putty. I can push on it and it leaves a dent that takes all day to recover. A proper diet would help with the swelling and weight loss and exercise would help the edema go away and then my blood would flow right, diabetics need to take care of their legs to avoid diabetic amputations. I've already told my doctor that I won't allow them to remove any body parts, this is another reason that assisted living is a must, if they want to remove my foot or lower leg and I refuse, then our adventure will surely end quickly because the leg will first get gangrene and then I'll get blood poisoning and die. I've been told it's a terrible way to go.

I have sleep apnea and I sleep sitting up in a broken chair. 6 years ago I was able to lay in a bed because I used a machine called a CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure), the machine was an air pump connected to a mask that had straps that held it over my nose and mouth while I slept, the air passed through a tank of water so the air wasn't dry. It was uncomfortable to sleep with a plastic mask strapped to my head but it reduced the chance of me dying in my sleep. When the supplier, A Turning Leaf, here in Salem changed their policies and refused to mail me supplies anymore I had to stop using the machine because it was unsafe to use dirty hoses and filters. A A Turning Leaf is still in business and they still refuse to send me supplies. The supplies are paid for by my medical coverage which is PacificSource Community Solutions and that's through the Oregon Health Plan. The postage was paid by them and I even offered to pay it myself, but A Turning Leaf still refuses to send supplies. The machine is sitting on a shelf in my mother's garage and I don't know if it can be cleaned.

My eye sight is going, partially because I'm aging and maybe a little from the diabetes too. I recently tried to get glasses but wasn't able to. The Oregon Health Plan provides health care coverage for low-income people. I asked PacificSource Community Solutions for some help to cover the cost of the glasses. They didn't help me, I thought if I saved them $1000's by stopping all my seizure medicine and firing my neurologist that they would consider helping me with a $200-ish pair of glasses. Not a chance. This is a prime example of what makes sense in my head, but not in the mind of a pencil-pushing government employee. Upset? Heck yeah...

I have Cubital Tunnel Syndrome. It's an injury to the Ulnar nerve in my elbow. I've spent decades sitting at my desk working on my computer and leaning on my elbows. The injury became painful so I told my doctor what I was going through and he referred me to Neaman Plastic Surgery where I saw Dr. Peter Tsai who also runs his own clinic called Upper Hand Orthopaedics and is the co-founder of The Waverly Lake Surgery Center in Albany Oregon. I was referred to Dr. Daniel Chen at The Salem Hospital and he did a ulnar nerve conduction study on my elbow and sent the results to Dr. Peter Tsai. Who sat down with me in September of 2021 and he said he would do the surgery, but because of my high A1C (related to my diabetes) he wouldn't be able to do it in the office, but he would do it at one of the hospitals in Corvallis Oregon. He told me he would get it scheduled and let me know when. In March after waiting nearly 6 months to hear from Dr. Peter Tsai, I started going to the Neaman Plastic Surgery website and using their contact form on their site to ask why I wasn't hearing from anyone and after many emails I finally got a reply from Kylee Pattee who is a Medical Assistant. Here is our conversation. Here is more information on the caring doctor that told me he would do the surgery to relieve my pain and help my injury heal but instead he turned out to be a deceptive liar.

I have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) which is a chronic inflammatory lung disease that causes obstructed airflow from the lungs. Symptoms include breathing difficulty, cough, mucus production and wheezing. I have it because I smoked for over 35 years, I quit in 2018 after I mentioned to my doctor that my ears ring all the time and he told me that would stop when I quit smoking, it didn't or at least it hasn't yet but it's only been 4 years they should stop ringing soon, he said they would. I communicate with my doctor and his team on a regular basis.

I have a skin condition called hidradenitis suppurativa. For me, a morbidly obese ex-smoker, I get large painful lumps in my groin. When I walk, they rub and that causes pain, when I sit, I'm sitting ON them and that causes pain, there is nothing I can do, I'm always in pain. This sometimes goes on for weeks and eventually they grow big enough that one day I sit on the toilet and they explode, most of the bloody stuff blows into the toilet and what doesn't I can squeeze out with a paper towel. Then it drains slowly until the hole heals up then it starts building up again, it's painful while it grows, it pops, it drains, it heals and then it all starts over.

Obesity is determined by your body mass index (BMI). This score is calculated by finding your height and weight on the BMI chart. Morbid obesity is defined by a BMI of 40 or greater. Here is a link to the Center For Disease Control And Prevention's BMI calculator. I'm 5'10" tall and around 340 pounds. My BMI is 48.8 and I have health conditions like high blood pressure and diabetes.

Weight loss is difficult. I've read that only around 5% of people who are morbidly obese, like me, are successful at losing weight without surgical assistance. I don't want surgery, I think I can do it myself with healthy food and excercise, but if not then it's an option. Gastric bypass surgery is the option I would choose if I had to go with surgery, it works by sealing off most of my stomach, so I feel fuller faster. When I eat less food I'll lose weight fast.

I need help with weight loss and assisted living would give me that, I'd have healthy diabetic meals and an exercise program supervised by professionals.

I forget to take my medicine. A lot! I don't know how I forget so frequently, I've tried everything to remind myself but I continue to screw it up somehow. I tried email reminders and alarms on my phone, and even pill reminder apps, I just can't remember. If I don't maintain a therapeutic level of the medication in my blood it won't work like my prescribers intend for it to. It's time to admit that I'm not in control, I need help, and that's another reason that I know that I need to be in an assisted living environment. I hope I won't need it forever; I want to be independent like everyone else, but if I keep going like I am now there won't be any improvement in my life and I don't want to be here doing the same thing next year and the year after and the year after.

I think I'm in the beginning stages of dementia or Alzheimer's Disease. Sometimes I wake up and I don't know where I am or who I am, it's scary to think that I'm in someone else's home and I don't know how I got there. It freaks me out, I just sit there in the dark and try to figure it out. After a while it comes to me, kind of like slowly walking out of a thick fog.

In 2009 I bought a big truck (Dodge 3500) and an RV and I travelled around trying to relive my past. I went to places where I lived and they weren't the same as I remembered. I visited people from my past, I located my first girlfriend in Las Vegas, Alisha, we went to school together in Washington State. I spent a few months in Vegas and we hung out a few times, I think. I remember going to an outdoor movie and visiting Red Rock Canyon. It's very fuzzy but I'm pretty sure we also went to the Hoover Dam.

My father died when I was 9 years old, I don't remember what he looked like, all I remember is sitting on his bed and having him tell me that he was sick and we only had about 2 years left together, I remember when the radiation made his hair fall out and when I woke up in the morning he was bald and I laughed at him, I remember being at a zoo and asking him if I could take a picture of the turtle swimming under water and he said "no" because the picture would just be a reflection but I took the picture anyway and it was fine. He died 2 months later. I can't believe I laughed at him when his hair fell out... That had to hurt him, it wasn't my intention.

My youngest brother and his family live across town but I can't remember the last time we spoke. I have another younger brother and he doesn't like to talk to me, he says I repeat myself over and over and that when I think I'm telling him something new, he says I've already told him that and he calls me a retard. I just need a little help. I don't think I'm a retard.


A Mental Me

My mental health is a weird thing for me to talk about because I'm trying to tell you what's wrong with me but some of the things that I think are normal are really quite messed up, I mean a blind guy knows he's blind but does a crazy guy know he's crazy? I know I have issues, I have my whole life, but with proper care and medication I've always been able to live a life with happiness, love, positive outlook, independence, compassion, and humility. I've been happy and I've been unhappy, that's part of being human. I can honestly say that my medication and my environment are both key factors that work together to keep me happy and healthy.

My Mental Health Prescriptions

I take 300 milligrams of extended release Lamotragine twice a day. Lamotrigine is used alone or with other medications to treat epileptic seizures. Lamotrigine is also used to delay mood episodes in adults with bipolar disorder (manic depression) and it warns that I may have suicidal thoughts. So, the medication makes me think about committing suicide, but it puts me in a good mood?

I take 600 milligrams of Lithium Carbonate every morning and 900 milligrams every night. It works to stabilize the mood and reduce extremes in behavior by restoring the balance of certain natural substances (neurotransmitters) in my brain. Some of the benefits include decreasing how often my manic episodes occur and decreasing the symptoms of manic episodes such as exaggerated feelings of well-being, feelings that others wish to harm you, irritability, anxiousness, loud fast speech, and aggressive and hostile behaviors.

I take 200 milligrams of Quentapine Fumarate XR is used to treat certain mental conditions such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, sudden episodes of mania or depression associated with bipolar disorder. Quetiapine is known as an anti-psychotic drug. It works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural substances (neurotransmitters) in the brain. It can decrease hallucinations and improve concentration. It also helps with mood swings.

I take 40 milligrams of Propranolol twice a day for anxiety.

My Mental Health Conditions

I have Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar disorder is a brain disorder that causes unexpected and often dramatic shifts in mood. I have manic episodes where I become irritated about little things or things that are real inside my head but aren't really real at all. I go from nice and calm to an uncontrollable raging a**hole in the blink of an eye.

Anxiety is worrying that never stops. Its symptoms can be severe and include emotional, physical, and/or psychological manifestations. Here are some of the symptoms of my anxiety. I've read that people who have anxiety tend to have abnormal levels of neurotransmitters, which means their brains have trouble transmitting information on a cellular level.

Phobias, they're irrational fears of harmless things. Some of mine include the fear of being alone, spiders, shaving, showering, plant-based meat, and flying in airplanes. I'm also scared of food and drink that may contain soy. Soy is unique in that it contains a high concentration of isoflavones, a type of plant estrogen (phytoestrogen) that is similar in function to human estrogen. So, if you're a man and you want a beautiful pair of breasts, just keep sucking down those soy lattes. A popular men's health site, Breaking Muscle reports, "Soy is a potent androgen disruptor, and according to results of a study, men who consumed the largest amount of soy tend to have the lowest sperm counts. Sperm count is tied intimately with androgen levels, meaning that you should also expect to see lowered testosterone levels." Some studies say soy is bad and some say it isn't, I'll just be safe and avoid it. Here's a list of 10 foods that contain soy.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The most well-known example is obsessive hand-washing, but OCD can also involve other ritualistic behavior, such as deleting all my inbox email at the end of the day, all the sent mail, all my junk mail, and then all the deleted mail has to be deleted. I also believe everything has a place and it needs to be kept in its place. I have a small desk and I don't have a calendar and it's only because I tell myself that there isn't a place for a calendar, I know that's irrational but to this day I don't own a calendar. I'm going to get one in 2023 and try to hang it somewhere.

Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder where I'm scared to death and quickly panic in situations like: crowded places and places that I can't escape from like not having control over the ability to get away. When I'm in those situations I have panic attacks and I experience racing heart rate, breathing problem, chest pain, increased sweating, very dry mouth, and that kind of thing. I don't like taking pills and every medication has side effects and mixing all the pills for each ailment I have could be dangerous. I don't take any medication for my agoraphobia, I just prefer to be alone, and even before the whole Covid thing I was pretty much a shut-in, I never left my living area, I opted to stay indoors, I blacked out all the windows, not answer the door (I gave my family keys so they could just come in rather than knocking and expecting me to open it.) I also don't answer my cellular phone unless the caller ID displays the name of someone I know. (My voicemail still says that I don't monitor my phone and to not leave a message. Do you want to hear it? 1-503-480-9754) I really don't like going out in public. If I want to go shopping, I go to Wal-Mart® at 3am when there was hardly anyone in the store or I'd order from Amazon® or Instacart®.

Schizoaffective Disorder is a mental health disorder that is marked by a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania. People with schizoaffective disorder may need assistance with daily stuff, like managing personal care, including cleanliness and physical appearance.

When I'm not taking my medication as prescribed, and that happens a lot, I used to think people were trying to harm me and that I needed to get them before they got me. Remember when the Islamic radicals were driving trucks into crowds of people? Here are a few examples:

1) 2016 Nice truck attack resulting in the deaths of 86 and injuring 458.
2) Muslim drives truck into crowd, murdering 4; Hamas celebrates.
3) Man planned to drive U-Haul truck into crowd in the name of islam.
4) CNN: 15 Terrorist attacks by vehicle.

I also fear the "lone wolf" attacks on people:

1) Wikipedia: List of lone wolf terrorist attacks.
2) ISIS releases new how-to guides for "lone-wolf" knife attacks.
3) Man plotted NYC "lone wolf" knife attack in name of islamic state.
4) Linking "lone-wolf" killers to islamic state magnifies the threat.

If that doesn't scare the sh** out of you then you're what I would refer to as "a victim" or "a statistic". I don't like living in fear, who would?

That was very hard for me to deal with, living in constant fear of someone hurting me or worse, my family. I became obsessed with killing them all. Only through mental health counselling and medication was I able to get out of that mindset. Another great reason that assisted living would be so great, I need help with my medication. Here's an onsite link where I talk about my problems with taking my medication properly.


A Spiritual Me

I believe three things about being a spiritual person:

First, I'm not a religious man, but I do believe in God and I've read the teachings of Jesus Christ, I've also read some philosophies of a man named Buddha and I tried to understand the teachings of the Quran, but couldn't. I think for the most part the 5 most popular religions of the world all teach basically the same thing and that's: murder is evil, incest is wrong, prayer is good and the world is imperfect. They all also seem to acknowledge Karma, the Golden Rule, and Love Thy Neighbor kinds of ideas. All I want is happiness, health, and harmony both internal and external.

Second, I try to attend to my inner life, to my mental and emotional states, in the hopes of gaining a certain kind of self-knowledge. Building this site is helping me learn a lot about myself. I'm not into yoga or meditation, but I am into self-reflection, who I am and why I do the things I do.

Third, I value these virtues: I'm compassionate, empathetic and open-hearted. I like to do things without recognition, I would go through the drive-thru at lunchtime and when I got to the payment window, I would pay for the meal of the car behind me or grab an extra combo-meal and give it to the homeless person on the corner. It's amazing how doing something that is very inexpensive will make you smile and it might be the best thing that's happened to the other person in a while, in any case you spent very little and you made people happy, including yourself.

I think my spirit is one of the most neglected aspects of myself. Just as I should exercise to condition my body, a healthy spirit is nurtured by purposeful practice. My spirit is the aspect of myself that should be able to carry me through anything. If I took care of my spirit, I'd experience a sense of peace and purpose even when life deals me a severe blow.


A Social Me

It involves my inability to form healthy relationships with others. It also relates to my repeated failure to adapt to different social situations and act appropriately. I've read that to optimize my health, I'll need to go beyond physical and mental health and look at the health of my close social relationships. I don't have any close relationships. I have no friends, I used to have a friend named Boris, but I screwed that up. The only other human contact I've had since 2010 is from talking to people that are paid to interact with me, like doctors and counselors. I believe that my lack of strong social ties is a factor in my current state of morbid obesity, weighing in at over 340 pounds.

My social environment includes lifestyle factors like diet and exercise, socioeconomic status, and other societal influences that affect my health. My social environment also means things in the natural environment like air, water, and soil, and also all the physical, chemical, biological, and social features of our surroundings. Being a "prisoner" in my small 10'by 14' space is what I believe is the most damning aspect of my current state of mind. This "cell" is the number one reason that I fear it's too late to recover and that my only realistic method of improving my situation is to go to the water. It's not logical that I believe that suicide may actually improve my life, not by making it better, but by not allowing it to get worse.


An Emotional Me

My most common emotions are: sadness, fear, anger, and sometimes happiness. I blame my medication for a lot of my emotional state. If i took my prescribed medication as I was supposed to then I would likely be more stable, but when I constantly forget to take my meds for days at a time or when I don't eat right, I find that it's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. One day everything is great and I can focus on whatever I'm doing and the next day is filled with confusion and frustration and tears. It's like, WTF is going on?

Let's take it a step further, with confidence. I'm not confident in my appearance, educational level, intelligence, personality, career accomplishments, place in life, and financial situation. Those are important things to me and we all know that women want a confident man. I'm a failure in each of those categories, my appearance is that of a fat, sloppy, out of shape, lazy person. I don't even try to improve any part of it, sure I want to lose weight and I will someday and it seems like I always have an excuse as to why I can't do it right now. I don't think I can improve my intelligence, education, and financial situation since I started having seizures and with the brain damage I can actually 'feel' myself getting stupider by the day. I feel like I'm just repeating myself when I say that I had a whole lifetime to learn it and get it right and be a success and somewhere along the way I screwed it up and I never got out of the rut I was in. It undisputable, I'm a worthless failure. So, what emotions do I feel when I say that? Sadness, fear, and anger.


A Financial Me

I really need help badly and without it I'm not going to be able to keep my head above water much longer. I've put links below to my bank statements, credit card statements, and any other financial information I could find. This is 100% transparency. I want you to see how bad it is and understand why without help my life will continue to get worse and I'm not going to continue doing that. I'll step off the bridge and end it, I just can't do this anymore.

I would love for you to help me finance my assisted living dream, but I know money is tight so if you could help with an item off my Amazon shopping list then I could put aside more money myself.

In 1999 I was a long-haul trucker and I got hurt on the job, I couldn't drive anymore so I had to come up with another way to support myself. I received worker's comp benefits for a few years and I settled with the company for $8000. (eight thousand dollars) and after that the worker's comp payments stopped coming and I started creating software for people that had things they wanted to sell online. I did well and I had to take on a partner to handle the

marketing and the support, I'm not very good at speaking to people. When I started having seizures in 2018 our sales declined, the brain damage from the seizures made it so I was unable to come up with anything new, all we could do was lower the prices and keep selling the same old stuff with very few upgrades and improvements. In 2019 I broke off the partnership because the company couldn't support both of us anymore. From that time on I tried to keep the business afloat, but I'm not good at writing sales letters or handling support for that matter. Then with Covid and the massive increase in the cost of living around the time of the Russian/Ukrainian war, the sales slowed to almost nothing. That was my sole source of income. My business site where I sell my software from is still there, I love creating things, I still have a few people that pay a monthly fee to use my services and every once in a while I get a new customer, but for the most part it's just a hobby now-a-days.

I need your help at this point, I'm tired of suffering every day. My health is very bad and I'm miserable. I've been on a downward spiral for many years and I need to get into some form of assisted living, I can't do it on my own anymore. Please help me. A small contribution would be appreciated. Please share my site with your friends on social media, a small amount from many people will help me get the much-needed care I need. I can't continue to suffer like I do every day, without your help and the help of others I'd rather be dead than face another day with bad health, despair, and misery.

Below is more information related to my financial status. I've included statements from my bank and each of my credit cards, and even a few screenshots from my investment account at Charles Schwab and my Coinbase crypto account, and anything else I can find to prove to you that with what I have I can't continue without some help.

I started applying for new credit cards around the end of 2021 and I take every card that I get approved for as long as it doesn't require an annual fee. I've been living off my credit cards a lot but that's nearing it's end because my cards are quickly becoming maxed out.

I have nothing to hide. I want you to be able to see exactly what's going on, in fact I'm going to explain some of the charges below so that when you look at a statement you'll understand what different charges are for.

When you see a transaction in my Chase checking account from a company named "Stripe" it's a deposit from my business credit card processor. That's money I get from my online sales. Sometimes "Stripe" comes in a takes money out to cover refunds and chargebacks.


Explanation Of Some Charges

Business Related Expenses:

  • European Safelist - email marketing
  • Name Cheap - domain names
  • Comcast - internet access
  • Mocha Host - server space

Monthly Bills Related Expenses:

  • Merrick Bank - credit card
  • Avant - credit card
  • Mission Lane credit card
  • Selco Credit Union - RV loan payment
  • Progressive Insurance - RV insurance
  • Chase - credit card
  • Salem Electric - power bill

Household Related Expenses:

  • Amazon - household supplies
  • Cricket Wireless - cell phone
  • Mattress World - mattress & frame
  • Fred Meyer - gas for Mom
  • Circle K - gas for Joe
  • Wal-Mart - household supplies

Food Related Expenses:

  • Instacart - grocery delivery
  • Roth's - grocery store
  • McDonald's - food
  • Taco Bell - food
  • Burger King - food
  • Victorico's - food
  • Fred Meyer - grocery store
  • Popeye's - food
  • Carl's Jr. - food

Investment Accounts:

  • Coinbase - cryptocurrency - Click here to see a screenshot.
  • Charles Schwabb - penny stocks - Click here to see a screenshot.


Chase Bank - Checking Account

Apr. 2022 Mar. 2022 Feb. 2022 Jan. 2022
Dec. 2021 Nov. 2021 Oct. 2021 Sep. 2021 Aug. 2021 Jul. 2021
Jun. 2021 May 2021 Apr. 2021 Mar. 2021 Feb. 2021 Jan. 2021


Chase Bank - Credit Card

Apr. 2022 Mar. 2022 Feb. 2022 Jan. 2022
Dec. 2021 Nov. 2021 Oct. 2021 Sep. 2021 Aug. 2021 Jul. 2021
Jun. 2021 May 2021 Apr. 2021 Mar. 2021 Feb. 2021 Jan. 2021


Merrick Bank - Credit Card

Apr. 2022 Mar. 2022 Feb. 2022 Jan. 2022


Mission Lane - Credit Card

Apr. 2022


Avant - Credit Card

Apr. 2022


This Is All Of The Legal Mumbo Jumbo

Let me start by saying that because I'm going to talk about ending my life I think it's in my best interest to add a disclaimer and say that some of what I talk about is pure fiction, even though none of it is. I don't want to answer the door one day and have two guys in white lab coats wrap me up in a jacket and haul me off to the funny farm. I can't fit that into my schedule. It's a shame that I have to have that disclaimer just to exercise my right to free speech.

I'm going to set goals for myself, reasonable goals that can be achieved easily. If I meet those goals, then I'll set more goals. I want to live and I want to be happy and healthy, but if I can't be then I don't want to be here. I'm going to talk about ending my life, I'm going to tell you when I may do it, how I may do it, and how my body may be recovered and returned to my family.

I can't afford an attorney to draw up some massive document made up of blah-blahs and hoo-haws that tell you that I'm only going to have information about you if you share it with me, so if you don't want me to have it then you shouldn't share it with me.

Here is a link to my secure contact form, you can use it for any purpose you want, this domain and everything on it is 100% secure. To verify that my site is secure just look up at the address bar and you'll see the small padlock next to the website address if you're using Chrome, I don't use other browsers so I don't know what they show you. The link will open in a new tab.

Click here to learn more about the security I've added on my site.


Welcome To My Photo Gallery.

Enjoy the photos, I'm sorry some are blurry I shake a lot and the camera on this old phone has never taken good pictures. This will give you a peek into my life, I'll put a description near each image. I've designed the entire site using Google® Chrome™ on my HP with Windows® 10 and a screen resolution of 1366x768. I like that screen resolution because my eyes don't see very well.


My website uses an SSL certificate to secure email comunications, online transactions, and data transfers. An SSL (Secure Sockets Layer) certificate is a digital certificate that authenticates the identity of a website and encrypts information sent to the server. Encryption is the process of scrambling data into an undecipherable format that can only be returned to a readable format with the proper decryption key. The padlock in the address bar at the top of your screen proves that your security is my highest priority.


Picture 1 and 2 are of my right leg, they were taken in February of 2022. In 1999 I broke it in 17 places below the knee and it never healed right. I have really bad edema in the leg, but I'm diabetic so I can't wear the compression socks. The edema causes bad blood flow and without blood flow the open wounds never heal, those are the same wounds that have been on the leg since I injured it. The leg hurts to stand on or walk, I have very little range of motion, you can't hardly see my ankle.

The large picture shows my legs wrapped in what's called an unna wrap, sometimes my doctor wraps my feet also and then it's called an unna boot. It's a compression bandage made from cotton that has been impregnated with a zinc oxide paste. The zinc oxide paste helps to ease skin irritation and maintain a moist healing environment.

The bottom 2 pictures were taken in May of 2022 to show how the legs are getting worse, my current level of care is not enough to get ahead of the painful, red, swollen and infected chronic wounds.

I need a proper diet and exercise otherwise I'm afraid they'll want to take the leg; diabetics frequently have amputations when they have bad sores on their legs. I won't let them take my leg. I have a hard enough time getting around with 2 legs, I couldn't live with only one.


They don't fit my mouth very well, but I can chew some solid foods when I load them up with denture glue. I love being able to eat crunchy vegetables like radishes and carrots when I have a salad, I eat a lot of ice because they fit so bad that they hurt my gums. See the white arrow, a molar fell out and I haven't had the money to fix it, the teeth are made of acrylic and the edges around where the tooth came out are not soft like your gums, they're hard and sharp like plastic. The inside of my cheeck where the molar used to be is raw from rubbing on the sharp edges.


This is my refrigerator, it's kind of small but it came with the room and I was told I'm not allowed to get a bigger one. It's ok, I'm lucky to have it, lots of people don't have one so I'm thankful for what I have. It really puts limitations on having a healthy diet though, that's one of the reasons I need to get into an assisted living situation, so I can have healthy food that's good for me and provides nutrition as well as meeting my diabetic needs.


I set up a shelf in the closet with a cardboard box and this is where I keep my canned food and my ramen noodle bowls. I like the spicy noodle bowls a lot, it would be neat if I could get the little seasoning packets without the noodles that's my favorite part but they're high in salt and the salt makes my feet and legs swell really bad. Did you know that someone made beans with Dr. Pepper in them, I'll open then one of these days and let you know how they are.


This is where I sleep. I don't have a bed. I really miss being able to stretch out and be comfortable. I sleep sitting up the chair, it's actually a couch with a console in between two chairs. It was nice and comfortable when it was new, but now both sides are broken from sitting in it, it wasn't built to have a 340-pound man in it for 8-ish hours a night. I've broken the seat out and I have to stack lawn chair cusions in it to put the padding back in to make it easier to sleep. I switch from one side to the other occassionally to be more comfortable. I'd like to have a bed again someday.

Update April 9th, 2022: I got approved for a high interest credit card (29.9%) with a $3000 limit. I'm going to be able to get a bed. I'll pay on it forever but I'll be able to sleep with less pain and that's a big win for me.

Update May 17th, 2022: My bed arrived. It's hard to get used to being able to stretch out when for so many years I slept in that broken chair. Right now it's busted up in pieces on the front lawn but tomorrow it's off to the dump. Look at my fancy new pillow, lol, it's a chunk of foam from the old chair and I wrapped it in a tee-shirt. It's perfect!


These are pictures off the internet, not pictures of my actual equipment. My machine looks different, but they all do basically the same thing. They force air down a hose and into a plastic mask that's strapped to my face and covers my nose and mouth. The machine I have has a water tank that the air passes through and I breathe the humidified air. It's uncomfortable but it did keep me from dying in my sleep. The technology has advanced quite a bit and now they have CPAP machines without hoses or big air pumps, like the one shown above in the person's hand. I'll never get anything like that because my medical coverage is with the Oregon Health Plan (OHP) and from my experience they don't cover cutting edge equipment or new advances in medicine.


In 2021 I was seeing a Dr. Daniel Chen, who is a neurologist for my epilepsy and after the last electroencephalogram (EEG) I immediately fired him, and I wrote to the people at OHP and informed them that I was going to save them lots of money because they would no longer be paying for my epileptic seizure medication nor would they have to pay Dr. Chen anymore and that I would ask that they please help me get a pair of glasses with a small portion of the money they'll now save. The lenses I need are only around $100 but I need wider frames because I have a fat head, the name of the frames company is, wait for it... FatHeadz and I tried on the cheapest pair they offered at Wal-Mart and they were around $110 or $210-ish with the lenses, that's more than I can afford right now. OHP didn't even reply, so I can't see the channel guide on the tv and I squint to read the monitor which is 18" from my nose and from time-to-time I still have a seizure.


I originally saw the caring doctor, he's a specialist, he knew I was in a lot of pain and he told me he would fix it. He never did. So what makes a nice and caring doctor become a deceptor and lie to the patient? MONEY. He sold me out for money. Because the people at The Oregon Health Plan refused to cover the cost of my surgery at the hospital he chose, a hospital with a 2-1/2 star rating at Yelp, he decided not to do the surgery instead of keeping his word to me and just doing the surgery at a different hospital. To this day (5/8/22) he has never taken the time to contact me and tell me why. I had to drag the reason out of a medical assistant. Here's our conversation.

I have no idea how the Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center in Corvallis, Oregon got such a low rating, but my guess would be that it's a direct reflection of the people that work there, like the doctors that perform surgeries there. I also don't know the reason why The Deceptor couldn't have done the surgery at a different hospital. Maybe other hospitals don't want a bad rating too. So, could it be that bad doctors are at bad hospitals and good doctors are at good hospitals? Makes sense to me.


The example above on the left is what it looks like, a large cluster of painful sores all over my groin and "guy stuff". I mentioned it to my doctor and he referred me to a surgeon who examined it and she said she had never seen it so high up in the groin area and that she wouldn't do the surgery because "it would be too barbaric." All the tissue has to be cut out and since the condition creates tunnels under the skin, she would have to cut out large pieces of my flesh and it would be impossible to sew me shut because there would be so much flesh removed. The surgeon recommended I see a dermatologist. I went to Valley View Dermatology and they examined me and wanted to prescribe Humira and I was overjoyed until I mentioned it to my doctor and he told me it would cost the State of Oregon about $70,000.00 a year for me to receive that medication. I thought about that and decided that the money could be spent on someone younger that needs it more and frankly I don't feel my life is worth anything close to $70,000.00 so I called Valley View Dermatology and cancelled the prescription.

The image on the right is what comes out of the wound after it pops, I was told the black chunks were probably decaying tissue and I had it biopsied once when I had one cut open in the Urgent Care department at the Salem Clinic and the results were that it's staph. Staph infections kill people. I wish I could afford the medication; I don't want to die.


I'm prescribed a lot of medicine. The delivery manifest is on the top right and there are 16 different pills that are split up into little bubble packs and each day has 4 different times to take those pills, the image on the top left shows the back of the Dispill™ card and each color represents a different time of day that I'm supposed to take certain pills. As you can see by the bottom image, there are 8 weeks of Dispill™ cards that haven't been touched, you can see the pills in each "salad pack". Multi-dose packaging, commonly referred to as salad packing, is where my medications are packed together by date and time. For example, all my medications that are to be taken in the morning will be packaged together in one salad pack.

The reason there are so many unopened packages is that I forget to take my medicine. A lot. I don't know how I forget so frequently, I've tried everything to remind myself but I continue to screw it up somehow. I tried email reminders and alarms on my phone, and even pill reminder apps, I just can't remember. My family has told me many times that they think I'm in the beginning stages of dementia. If I don't maintain a therapeutic level of the medication in my blood it won't work like my prescribers intend for it to. It's time to admit that I'm not in control, I need help, and that's another reason that I know that I need to be in an assisted living environment. I hope I won't need it forever; I want to be independent like everyone else, but if I keep going like I am now there won't be any improvement in my life and I don't want to be here doing the same thing next year and the year after and the year after. I'm tired of being a failure.


This is my 2000 Dodge 3500 and my 2003 Montana RV. I sold the truck when I started having seizures but the Montana has been parked in the driveway for 3 years, I'm still paying on it, in a few years it'll be all mine. I bought it years ago so I would have a 'forever home'. I have trouble getting in and out of it, it's four steps to get into it and three more steps to get to the upper level where the bathroom and bedroom are. I have trouble with stairs since I hurt my leg and they're swollen so bad. I hope to get into shape and build healthy habits, if I don't, I'll never live in it again and I'll have to sell it, there's no way I'll get anything close to what I'm paying for it. I had modifications done, like a front-loading washer and drier, dishwasher, bigger air conditioner and bigger water heater, I even had a power awning put on and did some upgrades in the bathroom.

It's perfect for one or two people, I kind of knew I would spend the rest of my life alone since I haven't had any desire to be with anyone since I divorced my wife in 2006. She really hurt me emotionally and I don't want to go through that again. The license plate on my truck is ILVC, it stands for "I Love Christa" and I always will and I don't know why.


This is Christa Bronec, my ex-wife. These pictures were taken in 2020 I think, she sent them to me around that time. I'd looked for her from time to time since our divorce in 2006 but didn't find her until 2020 when I found her on Facebook®. She told me that we could talk as long as I didn't talk about our past. I really wanted to know why she cheated. I thought I was doing everything right while we were married, but I worked too much and it was when my bipolar started showing its ugly head and I was easily frustrated and angry a lot and we didn't know why, I should have gone to a doctor but I didn't. So, I lost the person I loved more than anything in the whole world and I never recovered from that.

When I was chatting with her on Facebook® I made the mistake of saying something mean to her about her cheating, I didn't mean to, it just came out. I don't know if you've ever said anything bad when you were mad and instantly regretted saying it. I wish I could take it back. It was nice to talk to her even though I knew I would never be able to hug her again, I live in Salem Oregon and she lives 800 miles from me in Fort Benton Montana.


This is Boris and his wife Doris. Not really, I just felt they deserved a little privacy. I've never actually met them in person, but Boris was my best friend for 19 years and his wife Doris is a really nice person but we really never got along. Boris was a timid little mouse that went through life obeying every demand that Doris made, he never stood up for himself and I would make fun of how he cowered under her. I rubbed off on him and he grew a pair and started standing up to her, she of course didn't like the power shift and blamed me. That's ok, a marriage should be a partnership where both people are equal, one shouldn't intimidate the other with the threat of taking their child and leaving. They're both great people, but we don't talk anymore. I screwed that up too. If I could take it back I would, but I can't and I don't think either of them want to go back to how it was then, they'll live happily after now that I'm not a bad influence on Boris.

visitors have been here since I reset the counter on 05/17/22.